Just a little melancholy madness….

Tuesday, November 6th, 2007 | General

The past few days have been marvelous. I got to enjoy a fantastic dinner with friends at The Goose on Friday, friends we don’t see enough of too, so that was extra special.

Saturday we were invited to an “under-cover” BBQ at S’s, who is A’s (a previous co-workers’) boyfriend’s apartment, S, who happens to appreciate beer as much as Ryan, has a wood burning fireplace, a huge flat screen T.V., an X-box in which Ry and him played Ryan’s ultimate favorite game (Call of Duty), a sweet doggie named Wilson and a sweet kittie (who needs a permanent family/ home) called Princess :), AND S. can cook asparagus, prawns and Steak like nobodies business. Ryan was just about in heaven. All-in-all it was a fantastic time spent.

Sunday I was in a whirlwind of paper agony. I felt I needed another book to help me with writing the next paper, so I FIRST, went to the Library- it was all checked out, went to the PCC library, didn’t have it, then I just high tailed it to Barnes and Noble and bought the book along with a book recommended to me from the PR network called, “The Tipping Point” which is interesting in respect to build ups and breaking points and down hilling… if that makes any sense. The book helped at least.
Highlight today, was meeting an Alberta Street friend at Lolo, the new tapas place for drinks and tapas. Well! Total bill came to $62 for me, I had two glasses of wine, an apple blue cheese salad and small bowl of butternut squash soup. My friend had a dirty martini, apple blue cheese salad and a prawn salad. Okay but $62, for that seems a bit spendy. It’s really not solely tapas, it has basically tapas for starters, platters and then dessert’s. Delicious, but $9.00 for an apple / blue cheese salad, seems a bit extreme to me. However, the time spent with my Alberta friend was priceless, it was great re-connecting with her and seeing all that is going on in her world.

What haunted me most today was knowing that my most precious of programs the VMG program I managed at my previous position is now being managed by A and the reception for that program was tonight being organized and lead by A, who is wonderfully capable and well suited for the job. She held the event at a new venue downtown, which I never thought was possible, she garnered donations of about 1/2 a million and made for a well organized and planned event resulting in a smashing success, I am sure. Yes I am jealous! She invited me to attend, but I know I would have been enveloped in tears the entire time, comparing what I did and now what she has been able to do.

I always managed the programs I owned to the best of my ability and employed my best efforts, but now, this program and the event is in the hands of another, (A’s) and most likely better hands. I guess what kills me is that I put my heart and soul into the work I did, I don’t understand why people I interview with cannot see the amount of “ME” I put into my work.

But, it’s all just so superficial. I was touched by an e-mail I received from one of the STAR volunteers that help support the VMG program, saying she missed me tonight and my contribution to the event. This only verifies the dynamics of how much the people who I connect with make such a difference in how I perform everything I am handed. People make me work to the best I am capable, I never want to let people down and I am always seeking perfection.

So here is where I feel like I am today and, in trying to make sense of everything. I can just believe that I am where I need to be to place me or prepare me for where I am meant to be.

I must be true to me, however, to me I am still quite sad, almost disapointed.
Suspended in time, is what I am. I am not going forward or back, just hanging and waiting for that which will propel me into the perfect place that will challenge yet appreciate all I have to give and learn. Each day I attempt to find where I can feel I belong and try to fit while fighting all the expectations involved in getting this MBA.

The MBA is currently a liability, the fact that I am unemployed is a liability and I have to be creative and differentiating in the entire resume application process. There is a strong wall in the corporate sector. That wall is getting thicker each day which only lends to the futile efforts in networking to get a job anymore.

I must just keep hanging on and I must hang tight, one day at a time. All the work, it’s got to be worth something! It’s got to be worth it.
I believe in what I can do, I believe in who I am, that has to account for something!

2 Comments to Just a little melancholy madness….

ryan
November 7, 2007

You’ll be fine, though I know what it’s like to both be unemployed, and be rejected after an interview process. In the end, it will work out. You, and we, will be FINE. I’m just looking forward to you finishing up your MBA. Not only for your sanity, but for the self-confidence you’ll surely feel when it’s all said and done.